Nothing-ness

I struggled to find the appropriate title for my entry this week, but nothing seems to come to mind.

Last week was quite eventful, following my rejection from Emirates on Monday. I went down to PICO to visit Alf who had called me the day before asking if I would like to work with him for the 2nd Nokia's Mobile Applications Summit in Taipei this time. I was happy not just because I would be able to go to Taipei should I do this, but more because I think I must have done something good for him to recall me back. So, I trottled off to a meeting with CMC (Nokia's contact person), Alf and Diaz for MAS 2005. I felt even more relieve when CMC was glad to see me during the meeting. But well, better not be too happy. Im not too sure what my role is. Its been almost a week since the meeting and I havent heard from them.

Stephanie and I decided to try out for Silkair on Thursday. I went along wanting to gain more interview experience and decided this time, I was gonna be more professional about it. So I wore my psuedo business wear, brown stripey pants with a black round-tee with my hair in a bun, high and neat and my make up a little thicker to cover almost everything up. Lo' and behold, I walked into the interview room with 7 other girls, only to come with being almost the only one confident that I got through. And so I did, together with Stephanie and 2 other girls. Wow.

Thursday night, I trottled off to meet Audrey for dinner. And because my doggies came home about a hour late, I was an hour late meeting her. We strolled around Orchard looking for something to eat only to realise that we both have Kenny Roger's craving. Zooting off to Suntec in a bus, I threw my diet out the window and enjoy a big plate of Macaroni and Cheese.

But it was a good weekend, particularly Sunday. Saturday was spent mostly waiting for Blackie cos he had an army recall or whatever they call it. He left at 3 and din come back til about 7ish and by then was too tired to anything except dinner and met his friends for some late night Jalan Kayu Roti Prata. But Sunday was magnificent. Sure, it rained just about the whole day and made both of us really lethargic and sleepy, but we managed to go to Orchard for me to spend my $150 Taka voucher on a swimming costume (BLAARDY $60 FOR THE SILKAIR INTERVIEW) and some much needed concealer. Then, his mother cooked dinner which was delish! Curry Veggie, fried charsiew in some funky tasting delicious sauce, deep fried ikan billis and luncheon meat with nothing except crisp and oil. Again, throw my diet off the window!

Then we came home with a full belly, threw rose petals on the bed, lit some candles and made wild passionate love.

Yeah right, in my dreams.

You have been unsuccessful

Oh well, at least I tried. But I think Im not too disappointed by the fact that I got rejected, I am more dejected by the fact that I have to continue my hunt for a job. To think something so near can be so far. Thats tough.

But all is not lost I guess, although I might not have learnt a lot from this interview experience. I haven't really understand what they are looking for. But I made some friends during this short period of time. I guess having gone through the same process, we understand each other feelings and emotions. So for those that didn't make it, IT'S THEIR LOST! And for those who did, GOOD LUCK!!!! I wish everyone all the best.

I can't sleep. Blacks is currently happily in dreamy land. But I can't sleep. Not sure why. Just have things on my mind. Nothing significant. Just stuff.

Blacks and I saw the flat that I want. Tampines Ave 6.

E-Day

Firstly, just want to thank everyone for words of encouragement. I know the RIGHT job will come at the RIGHT time. I just simply hate the waiting game.

Anyhoo, tomorrow I am trotting off for my 2nd Emirates interview. I am unprepared and I don't even know how to prepare for it. Just use my natural charms...hehe....Will see how.

Do I wish I get it? Hmm, I don't know. In some ways, I do. For reasons like feel validated and assured and monetary, financial reasons. In other ways, I am unsure of the relocating, leaving and casting all and everyone aside. I guess when the time comes, if the time comes, I will just have to make a decision. For now, WISH ME LUCK!

Drey: Just in case you are reading, meet me this week if you free k? Just you and me lah, I'll ask Blacks to find his own activity. Very long time no see you. Like have a lot to catch up on.

Weepy Night

Very weepy tonight. I'm not sure whether it was because of the show I was watching or that I was upset with Blacks being so late on a Friday night when he told me that he would be back 4 plus then 8 then now at 10 he is no where near home. Or that I see no meaning to my life. No job. Nothing to do except to see each and every day of my life go by in a daze. Not sure what to do. Deprive of things I want to do.

I need meaning to my life. I need A LIFE. I need a job.

Not trying to sound suicidal but sometimes I wish I am somewhere else. Somewhere I don't have to think about money or have any worries. But where can that place be? But I doubt I will find the gut to take a knife to slash my wrist or throw myself off a building. For now, I shall just have to grit my teeth and ride through the storm.

Suddenly, the overachiever that I always feel I am seems like such the failure in life.

Now...that the party has ended.

Hmmm, back to reality. The National day party is over. All things go back to normal.

Oh before I forget, my humble boyfriend forgot to mention this in his last entry. I am proud to announce that Mr Blacks or TKL...recevied the award of Honour Graduate in his recent course. In laymen terms, I think he gotten 3rd place. Woohoo!!!!

Right. Reality. As I am sitting here pondering over my jobless state again. I can't help but wonder what I was brought to this world for? What is my true calling? What is the special task that GOD place me on? I was watching OPRAH (god bless that black woman!) just this afternoon and she featured the segment going out of your zone where people do something outta of the ordinary for them. A university lecturer became a strip dancer for 1 month. A interior designer traded lives with a 19 year old fish seller and a man petrified of the ocean went diving in the Bahama amond sharks.

"Live your life like it was the last day'"

I began to wonder what I would do. Close family and friends who knows me well, knows that I wanna be an actress. A model. Although I doubt my abilities and capabilities, but I think its more about me not having the guts to put myself forward and try.

My biggest fear in life is rejection.

How do I overcome this?

Nasty little things...

You probably have known from previous posts that I, Mr Blacks, had been busy on course since June. Today, 10th Aug, 05, its finally over. No more burnt weekends mugging literature articulating warfare, tactics, doctrines, training safety, and weapon capabilities. No more fretting over tests...

Looking back, I must say there are many first for me during the course... For one, I, Mr Blacks, have never been evacuated from a training ground to the medical centre. In my line of job, I need to conduct many training and exercise, and part of the training brief would entail to conducting a safety evacuation brief (basically a evacuation route and evacuation procedure)from the training area to the nearest medical facilities. But I have never "tested" the medical evacuation procedure before. That said, you probably can guess what had happened to me. During one of the training exercise, I was the "aggressor" defending a Built Up Area (BUA) and my role was to detect "Enemy" recce teams coming to my location. As all the troops were my peers, I put in extra effort in doing my job, just so that I can have bragging rights, should I capture one of my course mates...

we were tasked in to 3 main groups, 2 teams of 2 men covering the 2 different approaches while the rest of the aggressors will defend the BUA. I was tasked as one of the teams to cover the southern and most likely enemy approach. As the enemy I am expecting are the recce elements of the main force, and that them being recce elements, a high degree of security & surveillence enroute to the objective, stopping frequently, surveying the scene, before creping in slowly can, and must, be expected. What good will it be if my "aggressor" friend and me are brazenly walking on the track? Hence we decided that rather that patrolling the likely enemy route, we will wait in the bushes for the "enemy" to come to us... After a good hour, there they were, to the left of us, running across the track... i signalled to my friend and we creeped towards them, sometimes crawling ,most times crouching. we wanted to catch em from their rear thereby trapping them... Suddenly we hear gun shots. DAMMMIT!!! The other team has spotted them and fired at them. A brief firefight ensues while we try to exert our presence by closing in on them. The recce elements ran away, and the entire contact lasted no more than 2 minutes. As we cursed, we decided to RV back in the BUA asnd get an update on what happened.

We wadded thru the wet vegetation (from the morning dew) towards the track, I felt a sudden prick on my right calf. Gotta be a thorny bush, i thought to myself. I pulled my right calf away and i felt the prick again. What bloody bush is it man, so many thorns??? I peer back and look down on my calf and I spotted a few nasty looking bees/wasp like insect hovering around my calf. It was black, about 1~1.5cm, witha red band around its tail, I look back and I saw my friend started running towards me and instinctively we shouted "HORNET!!!"

We ran. We ran like hell. It was hard running thru the thick undergrowth under our feet. I had a smoke grenande, i remembered. I felt around my gear, felt something round, took it out, strobe light! I searched again, this time I felt another cylindrical object. I took it out. F*%K! TORCH LIGHT!!! where is my bloody smoke!?!! we managed to reach the track before I finally found my smoke grenade and I popped it and we ran towards the BUA and shoutting "hornets" like possessed men. When we reached the BUA, the nasty little bastards finally stopped going after us. . We comms back to HQ and a land rover with a medic was sent to our direction. I had majority of my stings at my right calf, back and I got one on my left ribs. The medic came, and immeidately sent us to the medical centre.

I was out of action, without firing a single round, without capturing anyone...

DAMMIT!!!

Happy National Day

9th August 2005. Singapore celebrates her 40th birthday. But is there anything significant to celebrate about? Obviously I won't be doing any celebrating. Blacks and I bid for NDP tickets online and we didn't get zilch. And I thought some sorta priviledge would accompany a SAF officer.

My beloved sister, E-lin, called me this evening and we spent most of the 20 mins conversation talking about Harry Potter. I read JK Rowling's website and a little about how she came up with the idea of Harry Potter but I really don't think she ever thought that her little wizard will cause an impact of such magnitude on the world. I can't seem to put the book down and I even dream about it! What I would give to be a witch. These days, with television beautifying all things that were used to be associated with evil. Being witches is such a cool thing.

Blacks and I caught 'Charlie and the Chocolate Factory' yesterday night. We went to Plaza Singapura and some promotional executive idiot has decided to place a mannequin in a red cheong sum and red veil in front of the gigantic poster of the new movie 'The maid'. It was so not funny when I turned and freaked out in public. So anyway, the movie was great, very entertaining.

As you can probably tell, I don't have a lot of inspiration for my blog tonight. Thoughts are flying everywhere but I am gonna try a National Day poem;

August 9th is National Day
I am Singaporean I'm so proud to say
Dances and songs and fireworks
And goodie bags with all the perks
For those at home on Tuesday night
Will celebrate with family and friends with might
Blacks and I will probably do
What you and her and him will too
Wake late, and laze and eat and laze
The day will go by in a daze
The Thursday will come and we will groan
In the passing of Wednesday we will moan
For back to work will my blacks blacks go
And hope the weekend won't come slow!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SINGAPORE!

So Un-becoming of me

I am for once gonna share something with people who read this blog that I feel displays my vunerability and is so un-becoming of me. God knows who reads this rubbish blog except my rubbish sisters and close friends hahaha.

Recently (well more like last Saturday), I went for an interview for Emirates to be a Cabin Crew. I had gone into their website and found out that they were holding a global assessment for Cabin Crew and I thought that I would like to try. Though as silly as it may seem, I didn't wanna try because 'its has been my childhood dream to be a Air Stewardess' (as many might say). I tried because of 2 main reasons; (1) I wanted to feel beautiful. (2) I wanted to match the rest of Black's friend's girlfriend who were flight attendents. I guess when you're an ugly duckling for so long, you'll do anything and everything to feel beautiful.

And so I did, to my suprise, I got through to the 2nd round of Interview and on Sunday, I went for a briefing session about the Second interview. 10am it started and 40 mins into the brief, I remembered thinking to myself 'what am I doing here? Look at the girls around you, where do you fit in?' I started to hyperventilate a bit and really think about the whole thing and whether I am ready to leave Singapore again and live in a foreign place. AGAIN.

Besides when I first have the thought of being an air stewardess, I wanted to be nothing else except a dignified Singapore Girl. Sure, everyone diss them nowadays. Everyone thinks the calibre has gone down the drain. But at the very least, its still SINGAPORE GIRL. Portrayed as Dignified. Poised. Beautiful. I wanna be that.

I will continue through Emirates interview. If I get it, I think I will regretfully decline but if I don't I won't think too much about it.

I have the most important job in the world now. I am Xiaohei's girlfriend. I am his pillar of support and the woman behind this successful man.

For people who know me before Xiaohei, this is why I say its so un-becoming of me.

The President Star Charity 2005

I think Singaporeans are still recovering from the NKF saga. I watched the President Star Charity yesterday and half hour into the show, they have only managed to collect $112,00.00. And at then end of the show, less than half a million received. I really pity Mediacorp cos I thought they pulled out all the stops. Fei Xiang, Deanne Yusoff, ZOE TAY and people from Cirque de Soeil. Luckily, there were kind donations from corporations that brought the amount up to about$3.7 million. I must admit, I didn't contribute anything to that amount. My family and I have not once called in to donate for charity. We don't feel the need to. Not because we are heartless or stingy. My mother is part of the Lions and her club makes it a point to visit the old folks home bringing them food and entertainment occassionally. Recently, I helped her with a blood drive and when I finally plucked up courage to donate myself, I got rejected. My dad when he was still in business have an annual charity drive where people pay X amount and drinks are on the house that night and all proceceds goes to the designated charity.

But I don't agree with dialing a number and $5, $20, $50 gets sucked outta my bank account immediately. When I watched a similar charity drive in Perth when I was studying, I was shocked at how different it was compared to Singapore. People can called in and pledge whatever they feel they can afford. So there are children who call in and donates $0.50 which they dug from their piggy bank. And the best thing is, the compares on TV recognise every effort by saying the name and how much they pledge. That should be the right way isn;'t it?

Doesn't every little contribution makes a difference?